Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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