i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
