Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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