i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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