You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
