Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
