My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
