I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
They took my balls.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
