There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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