My nipple is on Facebook.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
