at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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