What a fucking waste of an outfit
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
