He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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