if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
