there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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