there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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