I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
