Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
