Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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