Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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