I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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