i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
