Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
