I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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