She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
now i know why i became what i already was.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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