when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
