i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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