i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
