i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
