Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
