when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
