I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
