What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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