I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
