Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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