True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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