I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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