It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
