i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
