it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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