listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I am naked and annoyed.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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