You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
