Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
A+ Viking dick
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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