you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
