my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
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