i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
