Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
