Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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