1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
