His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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